New Orleans Soul Artist & Writer

October 2021  Is  Domestic Violence Awareness month.  I will release my own personal survival story. Together we can stop the cycle of abuse. My goal  is to  help create awareness . Stop The Silence , say no to domestic violence.

April 13, 2021 Entry


Today, I am in a peaceful place. July,2021

I want to be the reason someone else is brave today. I did not unlove him. I began to love myself more. My skin grew thicker, so thick he could not touch it. My heart beat for myself  and not for him. My soul found hope with the new love I fed to it. It was slow and painful but also courageous and brave.

Unapologetically, A BRAND NEW ME, MC.

July ,2021

Words From My Mother-  July 2021

In the relationship you were in with him, I lost a daughter. I didn't know you anymore Marilyn. I never saw you. Holidays were surely not the same. Sunday family/football days at our home were not the same without you. You were just gone. I knew something terrible was taking you away. I knew it was him but I did not understand how or why. I thought nobody could ever take you away from me. You are my youngest daughter, last born, my baby girl. I was lost without you. 

I could not help you. I could not get through to you.

We missed you so much. You and I have always talked about everything and anything. But then all of sudden you couldn't say a word about anything to anyone. I could not ask you certain things because you would get mad and defend him. I had to be careful what I said because I wouldn't hear from you for weeks. I was broken because I was sick with cancer and going through treatments. I knew you needed us but we could not get to you. Everything had us divided. He had you and cancer had us. I survived cancer and you survived him. We did not know how horrible things were for you but we knew things were not normal. We knew things but we did not know. We now know everything that you kept from us and your friends. You are going through a healing process and it hurts my heart to see you go through this, but I am so thankful that you are alive. God saved you and continues to bless you because you deserve so much more. Your purpose is bigger than you realize. I love you more than life and I am so proud of who you are. This book you are writing , that's the Marilyn I know. That's my baby girl. She is brave and very creative, she is bold and unafraid of anybody. You tell your story. You tell it and you never stop fighting.

I love you always,

Love Mom.

 

July 2021.

Me, at my new job. I am happier now than I have been in years. I worked so hard to get here :)

Registered DiagnosticCardiac Sonographer 

 July 18, 2021

Writing the final chapters of the book. This book has been very therapeutic for me. It has made me even stronger today. I can't wait to finish it. I want to finally put this all behind me. However, I will continue to be an advocate for domestic violence awareness. I will be the voice of those still afraid, I will be rising as high as God allows.

No matter how far you have traveled to love someone so much as to lose yourself, 

I am here to tell you- you are never too far to turn it all around. Self love and worth begins in you. It is not measured by anything on the outside. Not one single person can validate who you are but you. Not one single thing can make you feel worthy of it unless you believe in yourself to obtain it. Read That AGAIN...

You determine your worth. You determine your future.

July 2021

July 15, I went on my first date since I ended things with the Narc Lover.

I for the first time in a long time felt like myself again. He took me to a beautiful restaurant with delicious food. Conversation was interesting and he was very handsome and respectful.  I am happy to be open minded about meeting new people. I am not sure how long my healing process will take but it's been 6 months and this was my first date . I think this is amazing progress after everything I have been through. My ribs were broken in November 2020, my jaw was fractured as well. I still feel the pain in my ribs this very day and I still struggle to chew my food comfortably but time will continue to heal me physically and emotionally and I am taking this dating thing one day at a time. Making new friends and enjoying male company is progress! This is the best I can hope for.

Dinner with my lifelong best friend, Jessica Lee. Happy 39th Birthday.

Transformation is painful and messy in the beginning. However, now I feel empowered. I feel independent again. For 4 years I never did anything without the NARC BOYFRIEND, unless we were broken-up.

We were side by side, chest to chest consumed in each other from day one and he insisted it always remain such under the pretext of love. The freedom I have today is invigorating and it took this long just to untangle him from my core self .  My birthday is next month and I am looking forward to it like never before. 7/24/2021

Brunch Date :)

I am stronger than you ever knew. You use to tell me how weak and pathetic I was. I realize now that was never true. In the thick of your bullshit, I could not see straight, and I certainly did not know how to feel for myself anymore. Some things are for certain since us; I have not dated anyone to date, nor been out partying anywhere. I do not hang in any bars to mask all the pain I have felt. I am braver than you ever knew. I have faced my pain, all that you put me through: I faced it head on and with no distractions. I was consumed many nights in the deepest sorrow. The only prescription I have ever known for pain is to let it hurt, let it bleed, even if it takes you down to your knees. This is the only way through it.  I did not even anticipate the amount of sorrow one could feel with what seemed to be an endless and deep ache. Once you were gone and really gone. Gone from my sight, my bed, my house, my heart; it all came rushing in. I anticipated sadness and I thought it would be the usual pain of missing you that was so rarely but in the rare, amazing to me. But no, the pain was different. It seemed that I had hidden away how much it hurt every time you hit me. My mind had already decided what my heart was not prepared for. Finally, logic became me, and the emotions flooded over me, it was excruciating.  I became inconsolable for days, maybe weeks. I started to feel the truth I had been denying. The truth that was burning through my very soul and was dying inside. You could have never loved me. It is not possible to love someone and beat them. Certainly, someone who is clearly defenseless against you. This is pure evil and the farthest thing from love. You have hurt me so deeply and so repeatedly that even though most of my physical wounds have healed, my soul died.  That pain burned down my soul to what felt like nothing. However, there was still a glittering flash of light and then a tiny spark but with a rapid burn a new fire was birthed. Rest assured she is burning real bright tonight! The woman I am today does not wish you well nor harm. I wish you nothing, no nothing at all.           ~ Marilyn~ Charmaine~    

 June,2021

 

 

This was from a direct punch right in the chest/breast.

One of the many holes in the walls of my home from adirect punch.

I went from this girl ...

To that girl.... :(

 

BOOK COVER DESIGN COMPLETE!

8/22/2021

9/3/2021

Narcissists gaslight you... Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. Narcissists may spew blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth, and ultimately distort your reality. Signs of gaslighting include the following: You no longer feel like the person you used to be. You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be. You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive. You feel like everything you do is wrong. You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong. You’re apologizing often. You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is. You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate. You make excuses for your partner’s behavior. “They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive off of being worshipped, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that,”  Praise, Praise ,  and Praise them!!!

Constant praise as shown here. Although the experiences were dear to my heart with him, they did not come without much pain and so much disappointment. He did not deserve any praise but I played the part. The worse things  got over the years, the less and less I posted publicly. But when I did post it had to be all praise and glory for him and if I did not post praise he would emotionally and physically punish me. So very sad. I loved him beyond intelligence.


 

Love Bombing  & What is it?

It happened to me! If only I knew then what I know now!

 Love bombing includes behavior like "showing up to spend time with you unannounced (and other stalker-like qualities), guilting you into reciprocating grand acts of love, isolating you from other friends and family members, not honoring the time and energy you have to give and constantly demanding more, attempting to control where you go and what you do but under the pretext of love, and saying hyperbolic things like 'We were meant to be together' and 'We're so perfect together' even though you may not really know them well."

There isn't really a sense of mutuality when you're love bombed." In fact, "what looks like chivalry and good, old-fashioned romance at first can quickly descend into feeling like you're being bombarded and there's no space to just breathe. That kind of almost-obsessive attention is also a red flag because it's connected to patterns of control and abuse."

Successful love bombing is designed to win someone over, so the attention they receive makes them feel special and cared for. Indeed, "the love bomber tries to come off as a kind, attentive person, but often, they're a narcissist. Often, narcissists use flattery and seeming devotion to 'hook' a person and gain their trust.

Once you're hooked, "they might retract their attention and leave you begging for just even a crumb of what you used to have. Overall, there is little hope for a mutually loving, healthy relationship."

You are just a pawn in his game for as long as you allow.

 February 2021 Entry

I miss you so much sometimes I can't breathe. I begin to cry so hard I whimper. I lay in bed and clutch my sheets praying for it to pass. In these moments it hurts so deeply I'd rather be dead. It feels endless, the prayer "peace be still in the name of Jesus Christ"  is my only salvation when it hits me. It comes on like steel to my chest, like bricks to my bones. It's so heavy and so sharp I'm consumed in pain from missing you and hating you, it's all extremely too dark. I'm not sure which is worse, the pain that comes from missing you when you were good to me or the pain from when you weren't. Somewhere between the love making and the beatings I can't decide. One things for sure, my spirit feels broken inside. I stopped wanting you to be better to me because it never lasted. When you were good to me, it was brief. I would wait for weeks, sometimes months to feel loved again. Wondering what I had done wrong became normal. Then you would rescue me hopelessly and suddenly we were amazing, I was so special to you, you loved me so much for what was only moments. So sweet and  affectionate, so giving you would be. You really poured it on when you poured. But then it quickly would come to an end and you hated me once again. I grew strong enough to get away from you physically but I realize mentally and emotionally I have miles to go literally .            

#MindFuckery #NarcLover                Marilyn Charmaine


So with years of abuse came years worth of meaningless apology cards, flowers , gifts, dinners and spontaneous trips. Almost every time I fell for the apology with only a couple of months of forgiveness in between.  Narcissist's repeat the same pattern but the abuse only gets worse. The love bombing phase from the beginning of endless text messages to keep you in constant contact returns when they are in repair mode. Thinking of you, missing you so much. Can't wait to hold you, wrap you up, snuggle you up. I don't want to be without you. I can't sleep, I need you, I love you. Just like the beginning-->Constant contact! More details in my book.